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I just had two guys declare to me that they like to wrestle because they enjoy "boy contact" or "male bonding". One of them booked a wrestling session with me (which incidentally earned me the first $100 bill I've ever owned), and the other is a potential client who's been corresponding by email.

Other similarities between the two men are that they are both bi- (or gay), married to women, and seem to want to keep anything about wrestling secret from the wives. They also both profess to *not* want sensual wrestling. But either they want *some* sensuality, or they assure themselves of a homophobia-free partner by responding to adds in the M4M erotic services section.

What's going on I wonder? A friend who professionally does domination and domination-wrestling sessions said that it's pretty typical for a client to not really know what they want or how to ask for it. Is that because they are so deep in their various closets (gay/bi closet, kink closet, marriage closet, gender closet) that they don't even know what they are trying to pay for, but taking a leap of faith that it must somehow bring relief?

I'm don't anymore feel self-improsoned in these closets to anywhere near the same extent, so these men's experiences seem like something an alien species might experience. Hwo could you *not* tell the wife that you're bi-? That you like wrestling/martial arts/hula hooping/rock climbing, or any other activity that she's not into? That you want to negotiate around possibilities for various forms of play (in all senses of the word) outside of the marriage dyad?

Why do straight and straight-cultured bi-men self-impose restrictions on touch? I do it myself. I like casual touch with non-homophobic straight guys: a hand slid lightly down the shoulder, a hug instead of a handshake or fist-bump. In many places outside the US these things are normal parts of straight male culture . And yet I'm very hesitant to even so much as ask consent to touch straight seeming male aquaintances unless I *know* they're not homophobic.

To what extent do straightish women experience self-censorship on touch, I wonder?

In a letter printed in the april 28 2009 New York Times Science section, a reader writes:
"I agree with Tara Parker-Pope.. on the importance of friendship in overall health and longevity... not only the verbal intimacy that many girls and women openly express... [but] also the comfort of touch, as in looping... [arm into arm walking down the street and] hugging spontaneously... that nurtures the body and soul".
No duh, but why the gender specificity, I wondered? The reader goes on to write, "Perhaps if society's mores begin to change... men, too, will be able to enjoy healthier and longer lives".

Which makes me wonder if the two male wrestling clients I've talked to might actually find it safer (though still cruelly loaded with various layers of ambivalence) to seek erotic labor than real touch between men?

I wish I could tell them to blow apart any parts of sexism, homophobia, and the gender binary that don't fit them. To tell them to go to men's cuddle parties, gay bars, out-dancing, hold a friend's hand, kiss someone because you had a great conversation with him. Wish I could tell them -- if it helps them reconstruct their versions of "masculinity" -- to wear skirts and dresses, and to maybe sometimes do their wrestling or weight-lifting or motorcycle riding feeling the way they feel a woman might. And to --for fuck's sake!-- gender-play with their wives.

But I suspect the closet doors are too thick. It's only with the support of freinds who -- in mainstream societal terms -- are radicals, that I feel at all enabled to do any such things.

Perhaps the simplest thing would be to ask each of the two men's consent to put them in touch with each other.

Goddess grant me the love and courage to connect with men, inclusive of myself, without prejudice.