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Therapy 4/23

I spent the weekend not studying for an exam. I dragged myself to the exam and got maybe a 65-70. I had an A in the class so far.

Shame.

Went to therapy, and he didn't really let me off the hook, and boy am I furious at him for calling me out. But it motivates me in a way. When people withhold affection as a direct result of my bad behavior, it motivates me to get my shit together.

He doesn't think I'm good enough, so fuck him, I'll show him that I am. Quite different, and also the same, as if he'd told me I *was* good enough; then I'd rebel against that narrative and fail.

Maybe I'm asleep most of the time, asleep to my goals, asleep to the way that I value and love myself. When people withhold affection from me, I either try to find ways to be solicitous and gt it back, or I feel despondent, *OR* I get mad and reach into my own reservoir of self-worth. I think when it is perceived rejection on my part, I use the former two reactions, but when someone tells me to my face that they don't have time for me and calls me on my bullshit, then I get mad and react positively.

It's a dysfunctional way of getting in touch with myself to have to have someone tell me that they think I'm not good enough, but it does work. I wakes me up, the way a slap in the face might.

I feel so full of productive energy right now. Energy to be creative and compassionate. And that's the irony here... without the fuel of anger, I sometimes forget compassion for myself and others, I go to sleep, and resent having to wake.

The more favorable reading is that I really do cope well with certain kinds of anger, and am able to turn it into compassionate action. I'm not angry anymore having written this, but I am still energized and focused, more so than I've been in months. Hurt and anger are only the triggers, the rest is innate.