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Hurt in the name of love (present)

So given the psychosexual bullshit that I previously posted about, why the fuck am I still expected to give a shit about what my parents have to say about my sexuality? I came out to my dad about being bi about a year ago, and he's completely scared by that. What bothers me is how much emotional turbulence his lack of acceptance causes me. I've felt emotionally estranged from him for the past year because of this (we were pretty close until then), and I felt compelled to reach out a bit this thanksgiving (He'd made noises recently about how worried he was about "the other thing", which when I asked "what other thing?", he didn't name).

I told him as much as I thought he needed to know, without backing myself into defensivity about my sexuality. I told him that I'm not promiscuous. That being bisexual doesn't mean that I can't be fully satisfied in a relationship with one person. That I don't *need* to have romantic relationships with both sexes simultaneously.

It's been a couple of days since I sent him that, and there's been no response. That's unusual for him, but perhaps he's out of town or something. The problem is that *I'm* fucking worried about what his response will be. I still want to be accepted by him, and his *not* accepting my sexual orientation somehow hurts me.

Anyway, it took me until age 37 or so till I found people that don't believe that there's any one proper way to do sexuality. I seem to move between straight and bisexual identities (it's perhaps typical for many bisexuals to *not* settle on a single fixed identity), and between being sexual and asexual. Occasionally I dress androgynously. Occasionally I do fetish.

My friends think that all that is perfectly fine. For reasons I don't understand, my parents just seem to want to have me be hetero-married with kids, and perfectly normal. Perfectly normal is not at all what they were towards me sexually and emotionally, and now I have to bear the emotional brunt of having them project normativity onto me.

I don't want kids. There's many reasons, but primarilly it's that I don't want to inflict this kind of pain to people that I cause to be emotionally and materially dependant on me.

I'm writing about this using bland phrases like "emotional pain". That level of language doesn't do this stuff justice.

A more objective way of looking at it might convey some of what's needed: I'm 38, went to some really good schools, including 1.5 years of grad school, and yet make $8/hr, am still partially dependant on my parents, have never had a long term romantic relationship, have had only four relationships in my life in any case, and find myself frequently unable to complete tasks i've undertaken. Basically I'm broken and dysfunctional.

A less objective way? You know the place you go when you are being really intensely anally penetrated and there aren't words around any more, just raw experience? Go there and then turn on a tap of scalding betrayal and emotional control. Sit in front of an LCD a few days, weeks, or decades later and try to make words about it. Without a lot of effort and skill, it'll probably end up a lot like this post.